So what changed?
I feel that one of the biggest changes to have occurred was around my departure from *company name withheld*. When I was working there I had a very clear picture in my mind of what I wanted to achieve, a road-map of goals and outcomes that I needed to work towards to become what I had always wanted to be ... "Successful"
For nearly the first time in my life, I was surrounded by like minded people and rather than being ridiculed for my knowledge I was sought after. There were certainly some difficult people that I didn't always get along with but for the most part I really enjoyed what I was doing and even thought I was doing pretty good at it...
I'm not exactly sure when the turning point was, but when it happened, it felt like the entire world was crashing around me, and there was nothing I could do to get 'back on track'... like a race car hurtling out of control it felt as if I was destined to crash.
I'm sure there is a quote somewhere which says something like "Greatness isn't about never being knocked down, its about how you stand back up" however for me, I don't think I've ever really recovered from these events, where I once had grandiose goals and plans for my life, lately I don't really know what I want to do... (and when I'm feel especially down I know exactly what it is I want...)
The self realization hits me, that I'm probably depressed because I don't have any direction which then makes me even more depressed, a vicious cycle... and so I try to think of things that I would like.
Ultimately the answer always tends towards happiness in its simplest form, the confusing conundrum being that I don't really know how to be happy any more, some of the things that used to make me happy no longer do so and many of the things I think will make me happiest long-term I'm not sure I will ever achieve*
For me depression is a scalar, that is it's simply having no direction, just being blown around by the forces in life neither here nor there but just existing and I know that this is something I need to work on but struggle with most days (despite the façade that I put up)
