Tales of Fantasy

She sits alone at the table, as she has done in the past many times... but today is different somehow...

The tears flow quickly and her heart trembles, the gun in her hand feels unnaturally heavy for its relatively small size.

She's been here before but never gotten so close, she knows what she wants to do, what she must do and yet it still feels so difficult to do it...

The tears have stopped now, her hands steady as she slowly but surely raises the gun to her rosy red lips, she lets out a quiet sigh that nobody hears as she kisses the barrel.

A single tear flows down her cheek as she closes her eyes 

*click*

The gun hits the floor and the room falls silent again

Houston we have Ignition...

This afternoon, I was feeling pretty sad/angry/bored (all of the above?) and decided I would take a short walk to try and clear my head...

I find myself using this time to mentally evaluate things that are going on in my life and to think about the past, present and future.. kind of like a moving meditation session.

During this afternoon's walk I contemplated many different things, but one thing in particular prompted me to write this post and that is the burning question:
"Karl with all the shit you've gone through why are you still alive?"
(yes I contemplate my mortality on a regular basis, deal with it)

I have always been fairly competitive with most things, going so far to make small/silly competitions out of seemingly mundane things (and conversely quickly abandoning those things which I'm not good at) and I play to win...

In the context of my walk, the app on my phone gives me regular updates as to how fast I'm currently going, how far I've gone and split-times and every-time I go for a walk/jog I start off fairly slowly until I'm told "current pace is x" and then my competitive spark kicks in and I go fuck-it I'm going to go a little bit faster for the next interval ...

So bringing it full circle (I often go on wild tangents when I talk/think, but I'm not going to apologize for it since this is my blog!) I think one of the main reasons why I'm still here today is my passion/competitive nature; I take great pride in winning, not only against others but in beating my own previous best attempts...

I remember a time not that long ago where I was known for my passionate, fighter, never-give-up ways and I'm hoping to re-kindle that flame inside of me, stay tuned...

Second

I have come to realize that I will always be second best, I will never be someone's first choice and at most can only hope someone takes pity on me.

What a horrible fate to bear upon someone that they must have given up all hope for true happiness and instead have settled for what can only be described as B-grade at best...

Game Review: Team Fortress 2

Seeing as how I play games so damn much, I figured it might be a good idea to write a bit about them too, kind of like a way for me to share my passion (gaming) in a healthy way with others (hopefully).

Today's post is about a game called Team Fortress: 2 by Valve software.

The game's premise is quite simple two teams (BLU & RED) pit off against each other in a battle to the death around various objectives; pushing a cart, capturing intelligence (capture the flag), capture the point etc...

One of the most recent updates of TF2 actually made it free-2-play, so I highly recommend you pick it up and give it a whirl even just for shits and giggles.

I'll endeavour to write more about it in future, but for now this will suffice I think :)

30 day challenge(s)

A while back I did a 30 day challenge, just for the fun of it but it turns out that 30 days is just enough time to build a habit...

So after watching the below video, and checking out a few of his blog posts, I figure that I will attempt my own 30 day mini-challenges.

Where each challenge is something small or fun or even challenging to see what I can do...

After watching this video the other day I have been contemplating what, exactly I should attempt to do, some of the idea's I've thrown around are:-

- Write a blog post every day for 30 days (could get a little spammy/boring?)

- Take a photo every day for 30 days (I love taking photos, but I imagine doing this would make me hate it)

and... well that was about all I could come up with, but then I stumbled upon this post here which gives quite a handy list of various things that I could attempt over the next 30 days, obviously with some of them being quite more difficult than others...

For now I'm going to coalesce these various ideas and maybe come up with something new/original (or if anyone reading this has a suggestion let me know).

So consider this as day (zero) and I shall start emphatically (something) tomorrow :)

Climate Change "Theory"

One of the topics that has gotten a fair bit of air time recently is the discussion/argument about Climate Change (previously Global Warming).

I feel that this actually has more to do with the media moguls lining their pockets with gold than actually advancing any "debate" on the matter and this is why:

• My understanding is that all of the climate scientists in the world are in agreement, Climate change is a very real and difficult issue.
• There is apparently debate as to what is the main underlying cause of climate change (which I have to admit I'm a tad uncertain about myself) as in are the actions (or in-actions) of humans directly affecting climate change?
• Surely reducing Australia's (comparatively) minuscule emissions won't have that much of an effect on the global scale.

So really you have 2 or 3 issues here, is Climate change real (most scientists say yes), if it is real are humans responsible (in my opinion, probably to very likely) and if we are responsible then why should we bother making changes when we're such a small country compared to the likes of China and USA ... and after all that I still think the answer is Yes, yes we should try and reduce our own impact on the world.

So why do I think that the media is simply trying to line their pockets with gold rather than just "reporting the issue", well quite simply I feel they give far too much weight to the critics of climate change which then (I believe) paints an image that the scientific community is still undecided on the issue and thus not moving discussion past the whole "is this a real issue or not".

This is entirely disrespectful to the vast majority of the scientific community and is akin to the media reporting on 1 person's belief that the sky is in-fact red and not blue and thus claiming that there is now uncertainty about the real colour of the sky or that the world is in-fact flat and being carried on the back of a giant turtle floating through space...

I think that its time enough for the media to act responsibly and report on this matter with the correct scientific information.

Depression is a Scalar

There was a time, I remember it quite clearly, that I was relatively* happy and for the most part many things were going okay.

So what changed?

I feel that one of the biggest changes to have occurred was around my departure from *company name withheld*. When I was working there I had a very clear picture in my mind of what I wanted to achieve, a road-map of goals and outcomes that I needed to work towards to become what I had always wanted to be ... "Successful"

For nearly the first time in my life, I was surrounded by like minded people and rather than being ridiculed for my knowledge I was sought after. There were certainly some difficult people that I didn't always get along with but for the most part I really enjoyed what I was doing and even thought I was doing pretty good at it...

I'm not exactly sure when the turning point was, but when it happened, it felt like the entire world was crashing around me, and there was nothing I could do to get 'back on track'... like a race car hurtling out of control it felt as if I was destined to crash.

I'm sure there is a quote somewhere which says something like "Greatness isn't about never being knocked down, its about how you stand back up" however for me, I don't think I've ever really recovered from these events, where I once had grandiose goals and plans for my life, lately I don't really know what I want to do... (and when I'm feel especially down I know exactly what it is I want...)

The self realization hits me, that I'm probably depressed because I don't have any direction which then makes me even more depressed, a vicious cycle... and so I try to think of things that I would like.

Ultimately the answer always tends towards happiness in its simplest form, the confusing conundrum being that I don't really know how to be happy any more, some of the things that used to make me happy no longer do so and many of the things I think will make me happiest long-term I'm not sure I will ever achieve*

For me depression is a scalar, that is it's simply having no direction, just being blown around by the forces in life neither here nor there but just existing and I know that this is something I need to work on but struggle with most days (despite the façade that I put up)

Why I don't like Doctors

Like most men, I'm not a big fan of going and seeing the Doctor and will avoid it or delay it for as long as humanly possible.

Recently this caught up with me and I urgently needed to seek some advice and solace for an on-going medical problem that I have had issues with for the last 12 to 18 months...

Below is a letter that I have sent to the Australian Medical Association - WA branch regarding a recent visit I had and the terrible service I received while there... Names & locations have been withheld to protect the privacy of those involved (excepting myself obviously)

---

To whom it may concern,

I'm not sure where else to pass on this feedback (complaint) but hoping you can help me (or direct me to someone who can).

Recently I visited the closest GP to me at (practice name withheld) and felt that the doctor I saw was not professional in his conduct (I have withheld his name in-case this isn't directed at the correct person/department)

Firstly (and I understand this is beyond his control) I had an appointment and was made to wait a full hour before he could even see him, there was no apology for the wait either by him or his staff. I was enquiring about how long I should have to wait when my name was called and he then walked off to sort something else out and then finally directing me to his office/room.

After starting to explain the reason for my visit (i.e. my symptoms & history) he received and took a phone call, interrupting me mid-sentence, once I was allowed to complete my explanation he did examine the affected area, but did so in a rude and rushed manner.

After the examination he explained I would need to see a specialist and gave me a print out of one to see and also gave me a medical note covering my absence from work that day, one thing I felt was missing was any treatment or suggestions to help with the immediate pain and bleeding that was occurring, during this explanation the consultation was interrupted again with one of the nursing staff knocking opening the door and then handing the doctor some patient test results.

In all the entire process took less than 5 minutes and I even have receipt even backing this up.

It is event's such as the above which has made me lose faith in the medical industry in WA and why I generally avoid going to the doctor unless I very urgently need to. I honestly felt like I was being handled like a fast-food customer with the idea being of "get them in and out as fast as humanly possible".

Again I'm not sure if this is a reflection on the particular practice or the doctor in question but it's certainly damaged my faith in an industry that is meant to be there to assist people with their problems.

---

I'm not sure if the AMA will respond to my letter, but it's little wonder that people dislike going to the doctor so much these days...

The sad thing is I wouldn't have minded the wait, the interruptions or even his semi-rude manner if he had even offered me some sort of palliative care :(

Some thoughts...

Learning to walk before you run...

Most cars have 4 to 5 gears, with the higher the number allowing you to travel at higher speeds without causing too much strain on the engine. But these top-gears even though they give the highest returns are practically useless without their lower-geared friends.

If you don't believe me, try starting your car in 4th gear and attempt to get anywhere with-out utilizing the lower gears...

Similarly I think if we always try and approach something new, be it a new job, a new hobby or even a new relationship in "top-gear" as you will be struggling to get anywhere... but drop it down a few levels and start with the "basics" and you should start to see some movement, it might be slight it might not be as fast as you really want to go, but you have to start somewhere...

New Post

I have been meaning to write a new blog post for some time now, there will be moments where I stop think for a moment that I should share some more of my thoughts, the words starting to form in my mind on what I might write about...

Often this occurs near or as I am heading to bed, my mind racing with thoughts from the day thus-far and to what lies ahead and I figure that perhaps by writing down these thoughts I might actually knock my mind down into first gear instead of top-gear and get some restful sleep.

Alas what typically happens is I eventually drift off to sleep and the words, sentences and paragraphs that I had formed quickly become forgotten and so I never really put pen to paper so to speak...

I would like to share my experiences with my depression or simply feelings of being sad in a hope that it might help others, however at the same time I don't wish to burden anyone with my stories of woe and despair... it is my belief that most people (everyone?) finds life tough at some point in their life and I'm certain the vast majority of people couldn't care less if you're having a shitty day because they're also having a shitty day too...

I like to think that I'm different and that I honestly and deeply care about others, but I also regularly believe that I'm the nicest guy nobody will ever meet... as everyone is far too concerned with their own troubles to look beyond their front door and see that hey wait a second someone is robbing my neighbours I should probably do something about that (okay so that's a really pathetic metaphor, but you get the point)

I'm not quite sure what I meant to achieve by this post, but I hope that anyone reading this will perhaps stop for a moment and consider that even if you're having a rough day, others are having a bad day too and you could all probably benefit from reaching out to someone and offering them some kindness.

That which can be taken...

I remember reading somewhere that once a man gets past their fear of death/dying that they somehow gain an insight to life that lets them live worry free from that point onwards in some sort of magical life where they can now accomplish anything because they fear nothing...

I'm going to share a little secret with you, which may or may not already be apparent but I think I reached a stage long ago where death and dying didn't really seem the worst that could happen and I think that while most of the time I don't really want to die, I'm not really afraid of the when or how... (if that makes sense?)

Despite reaching this awareness, it seems that the whole "what can you take from someone who doesn't even fear death itself?" with the answer being "quite a lot actually..."

There is a famous story about a Polish Jewish man who as a single last act of defiance against his Nazi captors attempted to take his own life before being sent to his death via the gas chambers, the sick irony being that he failed to succeed in his attempt and was then put in the infirmary to "recover" (not sure about the logic behind that) and whilst he was healing the war ended and he was ultimately released and saved from the horrors that his brethren weren't so "lucky" to avoid.

Just to make it clear, I don't think death or dying is in anyway not a huge tragedy and can appreciate how devastating it is to those around the person. I just think there are some things that are worse than not being alive...

I'm pretty sure I did have a point somewhere that I was trying to make, but I think I've lost it, in any regard the above is merely a (very) small sample of some of the random crap that permeates my conscious thoughts.

Maybe I'll share some more, maybe I wont... the one thing I do sometimes fear is having all my freedom (or perceived freedoms) taken away from me, which might cause me some restraint in these matters.

Alas I digress...

Poopin Diamonds...

Poopin diamonds... or when stress gets too much to handle...

They say that Diamonds are just coal (or carbon) that have been under immense stress for a very long time, it is with that knowledge in mind that I put forth that very soon I shall be pooping diamonds...

The tough thing with stress is that for the most part, the people around you don't even really know how bad you're suffering unless you literally break down before them...

For the majority of today I've had a constant head-ache in my temples, I know it's because I'm stressed about everything that is going on at the moment, but I don't know how to ... just relax...

I believe writing about it is sort of therapeutic ? but at the same time I feel like I'm constantly whinging/bitching about everything that's going on ... perhaps I should just man-up and just give up already...

I'm fairly confident if people could read my mind I'd be locked away in a small padded room by now, so I do find myself being quite careful about how much I do actually "share"... so it's kind of a tough balancing act between "releasing by writing" and worrying I'm sharing too much...

hmm that's enough for today... lets see how tomorrow turns out.

Nuclear Fission (or when 1 become 2)

Unfortunately, again it has been quite some time since my last blog update... and even then my recent thoughts committed to "paper" have been my rather interesting experiences with my camera purchase... (if you're interested in the story it starts here and here is part two and then there was part three here and then finally part four here)

I'm not quite sure how to write it, but at around the same time my partner of the last six years ended our relationship, what does any of this have to do with Nuclear Fission you ask?

Well it's been quite a distressful time for me and I've probably not coped very well to be honest, but something that came to mind was how in nature when you force something apart, there's usually a very violent and powerful reaction...

Just like the reaction that powers Nuclear Bombs with their devastating capacity to do harm so too the end of the relationship started a very powerful reaction that nearly ended with as much violence as the aforementioned chemical reaction...

Since then I have tried to recover from my emotional Chernobyl and there has certainly been some good days and some bad days...

I have recently taken up regular exercise, in an attempt to:

a) get fit & healthy

b) lose the small (but very annoying) belly fat that has started to accumulate

c) release natural Endorphins (see this)

I think when you go running, (at least for me anyway) there's a certain point where you know you've pushed yourself so hard that you're physically exhausted and feel like you might just fall over and die, (okay so that's probably just me) and when I get to that point I'll embrace it... because when you're right there on the edge of oblivion... nothing else really matters... The single voice of reason drowning out all others is just BREATHE! or possibly PLEASE STOP RUNNING NOW K?

So that's kind of where I am at, at the moment... I'm not entirely sure if that is a good or a bad thing but I think I'll keep running anyway...

An Update (The Letter Part 2)

A few days ago I posted a candid account of my experiences thus far with B&H Photovideo (which can be found here).

Since then they have been in contact with me (primarily through email as the time difference makes any other communication quite difficult) and have taken on board most (if not all) of my concerns.

They are currently re-lodging a request with Fed-Ex for the refund that was promised, personally I suspect that it will not be successful, but I think the lesson here is to not use Fed-Ex for my international shipping requirements in future. They are decent at getting something from A to B, but add in any requirement of actual customer service in there and they fail quite terribly (which is a shame really as it's the "last-mile" that most clients get to see)

In addition to this B&H are going to cover the cost of returning the defective camera to them, including the return import fee, as I mentioned I was quite surprised when this was offered during the initial RMA process (as it's not documented on their RMA website) but I am pleasantly surprised they are following through with it.

Interjection:

I feel having worked quite closely in a customer service field myself has given me some appreciation for (and value of) actual good customer service. The company I worked for prided itself on being the very best at what it did and there was a real cost associated with that, especially when a consultant would promise the customer something we might not be able to deliver upon, but we would then endeavor to satisfy anyway simply as reassurance for our customers that we deliver upon our promises (essentially what good customer service boils down to).

/Interjection

Now, B&H were recommended to me by a good friend of mine and despite the order being quite large I had confidence in their ability to deliver. In addition to this I had heard they were very good if you do run into any problems. Which is why I purchased from them rather than some HK discount operation...

When I received my camera and it was faulty all of that seemed to fly out of the window and despite the problem having very little to do with B&H (it says a lot more about Canon's quality control more than anything) the outcome could have been quite the nightmare, if they hadn't handled the situation so professionally and with such empathy.

The RMA process was quite straight forward, I simply described the defect and indicated that I wanted a replacement unit and not a refund a few days later (the time difference adds about 24 hours to any responses either direction) it was approved.

Since then I've been in contact with the B&H customer service department a few times and they have really done an exceptional job of looking after something which, considering the physical distance between us probably could have been easier to just fob-off.

I think I need to summarize this post before it becomes a novella, but I think quite simply if you are going to be buying any photography gear, B&H will be able to help you, not only that, in the event you do have any problems they'll be there to make sure they are resolved.

TL:DR version

- Awesome customer service (or lack of) does have an explicit cost (either to you or the retailer)

- B&H have really gone the extra mile to make sure I'm happy and my issues are resolved.

- When buying online ALWAYS consider the customer service/returns side of things as-well as it could cost you a lot of money.

A Letter ...

Here is a letter that I recently wrote to the Customer Service department of B&H

To (name withheld),

I appreciate there is very little chance that this letter will ever reach you, however remote that chance is I still feel the need to explain my recent experience with B&H PhotoVideo.

I've always enjoyed the subtle art that is photography and recently felt the need to make the jump from a simple point and click (Canon PowerShot A720IS) to something with a bit more customization and control, I've always liked the Canon brand and felt they offer a really good quality product albeit at a premium so going with an EOS was an easy decision. I narrowed this down to the 550D and the 60D and after physically holding both of these the 60D with its superior ergonomics won me over.

Now it just came down to where I should buy it from and after much deliberation and a few recommendations from friends, it seemed B&H could offer me the camera I wanted with a very nice lens and at a price that was definitely within my budget.

As this was quite a large (expensive) online purchase, I was understandably very anxious about the whole process and would have loaded the track-n-trace site nearly 100 times before it arrived here in Perth. Due to some terrible customer service practices from Fed-Ex the package was delayed by 12 hours unnecessarily and so I took it upon myself to lodge a complaint with their CS team and was offered a refund of the P&H to give me some reassurance in the Fed-Ex brand.

Then; disaster struck, as the very expensive camera I had purchased (with the intention of using it for some great Christmas happy snaps amongst other things) was defective and for some reason was producing very terrible images and so begun the RMA process.

Now I should point out that every customer service rep I have spoken with, has been excellent, friendly and knowledgeable even if they cannot directly 'fix' the problem I was experiencing.

Part of the RMA process one of the representatives mentioned to send the package back to B&H as cheaply as possible with tracking and to include a receipt of the costs so that this could be covered, I was quite pleasantly surprised as the information on your website regarding the RMA process didn't mention this anywhere.

Today I received my replacement camera, after having to pay yet another hidden fee (Australian Customs are thieves!) and I'm really wondering why I bothered with all of this in the first place. That $1399 Camera + Lens which looked like an amazing deal didn't include:

- the $193 in P&H (which I was later offered to be refunded but then Fed-Ex global reneged on)

- the $243 in Import Duty and Tax (which I am happy to admit is my own fault for not investigating more, but still comes as a bit of a shock when added to everything else)

- the $163 in P&H to send it back (defective return, which was promised to be covered by B&H but doesn't seem like it will)

- finally the $55 to re-import something I had already paid import duties on.

Would I buy from B&H again, maybe ... if the item is under $1000 and warranty isn't likely to be an issue (e.g. camera bags, memory cards, etc) but with all the drama's I've had with this purchase it certainly makes you pause for consideration.

In summary, I appreciate that it is unrealistic for B&H to test every single camera body that it sells and that I am the one in a 1,000,000 case where a camera is DoA (defective on arrival), but hopefully you can take some of this feedback on-board to ensure a better experience for international buyers (perhaps a step in the buying process that could alert the buyer to some of these issues and to check before proceeding).

Finally I am really in love with this new camera now that it is working and can't wait to really get into the amazing/challenging fun that is DSLR photography,

I honestly thank-you for taking the time to read this far (if you do) and hope you can appreciate just how frustrating this entire ordeal has been,

Kind regards,

(me)

------------------------------------------------

At some points there I really wanted to break down and cry, especially when I had to send back my new camera to be replaced as I knew there was next to no chance I'd have it for Christmas.

Would I recommend buying a camera online, mmm probably not after what I went through but I would honestly happily buy again from B&H just keep the order under $1000 so you don't get stung with Import Duty + GST and also use USPS as your postage option!

I'd be interested to hear others experience with online purchases regarding semi-expensive consumer gear?