Redundancy ...

There has been a whole bunch of random thoughts going through my head since just the other day...

As some many of you might already be know, I was laid off from my job recently and I've been trying my best to hold it altogether, doing well in some regards, not so well in others.

I don't do well with talking, I'm not very good with the words when I have to think them, and then say them, I find my mind jumping from one topic to another in rapid succession and changing topic mid sentence and so I don't often share my thoughts, but alas I feel it would be cathartic for me to at least write it down...

While there were certainly some (many) times I didn't particularly enjoy my job, it was one constant in my life for the last 3 or 4 years of  turmoil...

When all the bad stuff happened, I could hide it away, suck it up and get up and go to work and focus on that for 8-9 hours, come home and repeat...

While I'm quite sad about having part ways, there is a part of me that is a little relieved, for I can finally let go of all the negativity surrounding (certain people) there.

I'm looking forward to trying something new, but part of me is afraid because I'm not quite what sure what even to do...

I'm going to miss a bunch of the familiar faces and quirky people I've come to see on a regular basis, but I know deep down it's probably for the best...

In writing all of this I feel there is so much more that I want to say, but I'm going to save that for another day (maybe)

_
K

What is "normal" anyway ?

What is "normal" anyway ?

I have pondered this very question for quite some time, as if something deep inside of me burns at the mere mention of the word "normal"...

A quick Google search gives a fairly standard answer...

and while I believe certain things in life should have a sense of normality to them (the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, that is normal if it did it in reverse one day that might be considered abnormal) when the concept is applied to society and in particular individuals, I feel it tends to fall apart...

What one person considers as outrageous and obscene, another might find joy in, and it goes way deeper than just actions.

I have this really broken disturbed theory, that if there are millions of people who are suffering and deeply depressed, is it really the individual who is broken, or is it the world?

Alas it seems I have gone off topic again, back to this concept of Normal, is it normal for someone to sleep 8 hours a night? what if you function perfectly fine on 4 hours or perhaps you need 10 or more, now someone who knows anything about statistics will say well what about standard deviation and the bell-curve and all those wonderful metric measures?

Normal is okay when you're describing things, the temperature output of this oven is normal, the weather  today was fairly normal for summer, so on and so forth, but when you try and apply it to people, people who are 1 in 7 billion unique, it really doesn't work.

I believe everyone looks around themselves and see's what they think is normal and many people try to conform to this and society will typically support this (yay go media), "oh hey you don't like going out clubbing on weekends, man you be strange".

There definitely has been some progression towards individualism, or abnormality but this too will often see niche clusters of "abnormal" who when viewed in isolation all conform to each other.

I want to end this with a thought, Fuck Normal! it's just a made up concept that has no bearing on you, me or anyone for that matter. We should support people for owning their decisions and ideas not trying to squeeze them into some pre-defined mold of who society thinks they should be.

So if you ever think to yourself "is it normal to be feeling this way" or "is it normal for me to do this" or anything along those lines, pause for a second and ask yourself... what the fuck is normal anyway?

An unlikely legacy

I haven't spoken to the person most people would call my father in quite some time, so long in-fact I couldn't even specifically tell you how long it's been....

The falling out between the two of us is a fairly long winded story and one I'm not quite ready to share right now, needless to say I think the only thing I've learnt is how NOT to act...

There's so much I want to write or say but just don't know how to put it, but this is one aspect of my life which makes me quite sad, for so many reasons. :(

Today is day 2 or 3, to be honest I'm not even 100% sure, since i stopped taking my anti-depression medicine...I have been having rather intense headaches and dizy spells for the whole weekend. It is possibly the alcohol I've consumed but I'm not even sure of that.

Most of Friday night as I laid alone in bed, in an empty house, I contemplated what and how I would write a suicide note to the world and I thought to myself am I just sad/depressed/broken or am I just "coming down" from the chemicals that have been trying to balance me for the last few months....

Often there are times where I will remind myself that it's "just in my head and it isn't real" and sometimes it helps, others not so much.

The rationalist in me knows that I probably should go get my script re-filled tomorrow and re-start taking the medication, but there is a part of me (the rebel?) that wants to just ride it out for as long as i can and just see what happens...

Work has been quite stressful of late and I find myself really struggling at times both at just being productive and also just holding myself together, I think I'm quite lucky that my direct boss (the owner/director) actually understands and can appreciate some of what I am going through or so I am led to believe...

A dark past...

Deep inside of me there is a dark secret from my past that I keep to myself, but as I lay here in the middle of the night unable to sleep my mind wanders and I feel the need to share something very personal about my history...

A long time ago now, things were much different, my mother and father were 'happily' married living together in their new house in Parmelia, which at the time was a brand new release in Kwinana and was still surrounded by bush-land. We even had a beautiful German Shepherd named Shaka-Zulu (stolen from the movie of the same name).

I even remember the light blue LX Torana my dad used to have and would race against his best mate down the back industrial streets all the while Led Zeppelin was blasting out of the stereo. Life was for the most part pretty good* (lots of medical problems not withstanding)

Back then I never really understood why my parent's decided to split up, I knew they argued every now and then but had always figured they would be together forever & despite being told otherwise was certain it was somehow entirely my fault.

I can't quite remember how it worked out, but my Mum, my sister and I stayed in the house for a little while and my dad just left & I barely saw him and didn't really speak to him for a while. Mum started going back to Uni at the time and started making new friends.

Much of my memories around this time are quite hazy, probably due to me just trying my best to forget what happened, but I don't remember how he came into our life but I do remember he was trusted and friendly to me, when at the time it seemed nobody else was.

Over a period of time this friendship grew and he told me how good I was at things, how smart I was and made me feel quite special. As I hadn't really ever had a grown-up friend before I wasn't aware of hows strange this was and when he asked me to do some horrible things, it all seemed so normal...

This carried on for some time (I honestly cannot remember how old I was nor when/how long this happened these days) until I mentioned to my Mum quite innocently some of the 'games' we had been playing.

To say my Mum broke down would be the understatement of the century and to this day I'm certain that she some-how blames herself for the actions of a disgusting man (p.s. mum if you ever read this you're not to blame!)

At the time, I think the worst part was I felt like I was dobbing on my 'best-friend' and what we we're doing was just innocent fun... obviously I know now how silly that is, but it felt horrible having to explain to complete strangers what had happened and I had no idea why so much fuss was being made about it all.

It wasn't long after this event that my father went to the family law courts and requested full custody over my Sister and I, which was soon granted.

I think the main reason I have such difficultly sharing this part of me is that I don't want to be labelled a victim, nor do I wish to bring back any of the horrid memories that surround this period in my life.

For better or worse this is a part of who I am and it has certainly made me grow up very quickly and a few of the closest people I have shared this with have often said that they think I'm a stronger person because of it, some days are definitely tougher than others, but I just do my best to focus on my future and not be defined by my past.

-
K

Tales of Fantasy

She sits alone at the table, as she has done in the past many times... but today is different somehow...

The tears flow quickly and her heart trembles, the gun in her hand feels unnaturally heavy for its relatively small size.

She's been here before but never gotten so close, she knows what she wants to do, what she must do and yet it still feels so difficult to do it...

The tears have stopped now, her hands steady as she slowly but surely raises the gun to her rosy red lips, she lets out a quiet sigh that nobody hears as she kisses the barrel.

A single tear flows down her cheek as she closes her eyes 

*click*

The gun hits the floor and the room falls silent again

Houston we have Ignition...

This afternoon, I was feeling pretty sad/angry/bored (all of the above?) and decided I would take a short walk to try and clear my head...

I find myself using this time to mentally evaluate things that are going on in my life and to think about the past, present and future.. kind of like a moving meditation session.

During this afternoon's walk I contemplated many different things, but one thing in particular prompted me to write this post and that is the burning question:
"Karl with all the shit you've gone through why are you still alive?"
(yes I contemplate my mortality on a regular basis, deal with it)

I have always been fairly competitive with most things, going so far to make small/silly competitions out of seemingly mundane things (and conversely quickly abandoning those things which I'm not good at) and I play to win...

In the context of my walk, the app on my phone gives me regular updates as to how fast I'm currently going, how far I've gone and split-times and every-time I go for a walk/jog I start off fairly slowly until I'm told "current pace is x" and then my competitive spark kicks in and I go fuck-it I'm going to go a little bit faster for the next interval ...

So bringing it full circle (I often go on wild tangents when I talk/think, but I'm not going to apologize for it since this is my blog!) I think one of the main reasons why I'm still here today is my passion/competitive nature; I take great pride in winning, not only against others but in beating my own previous best attempts...

I remember a time not that long ago where I was known for my passionate, fighter, never-give-up ways and I'm hoping to re-kindle that flame inside of me, stay tuned...